How Adam Lowered Mika’s Reactance Level Via Text Messaging
Below is an example text exchange I (Mika) had with one of our Modern Love Association members. Adam initiated a conversation when I was not emotionally available to be talking to anyone. He used Advanced Relational Skills on me which inspired me to open up and pursue a meaningful deeper conversation with him.
In #1:He Asked Low Pressure Questions
Are you asking your ex questions that are likely to increase their reactance level? Questions like:
- “How’s life?”
- “When we were together, you remember the time when we did _____ ?”
- “Do you miss anything about ‘us’?”
Asking a low reactance type of question will put less pressure on your ex to respond to you. Please watch the Contacting Your Ex lesson for common mistakes and pointers when it comes to initiating contact with your ex. (Special note: Be sure to avoid the “forgettable fluff” mistake. This is dangerously common and has kept more text conversation from ever getting off the ground than anything else).
If this is your first point of contact with your ex, asking them this type of question may increase their level of reactance because this type of question works best when you have already established a positive rapport with them.
Adam and I have already had a texting rapport with each other. If he texted me for the first time in months with that same question, I wouldn’t have been so open to texting him back with an answer to that question. What do you think is a low pressure, easy to answer question that you could ask your ex?
In #3: His Questions Inspired Vulnerability
I was being vulnerable with Adam by sharing with him my concerns and anxiety for that week. Remember the key to a great emotional connection with your ex or anyone else is vulnerability.
Although it may seem frightening to reveal how it is you are feeling or what you are experiencing, this is going to help your ex to trust you again and is going to encourage them to open up and be vulnerable with you.
It is hard to relate and be emotionally connected with someone who does not show vulnerability. If you are having a hard time connecting with your ex, it may be because you are not being vulnerable with them.
In #5: He Created a Space For Vulnerability with Context and Content
Notice how Adam’s previous question and text have given me the space to be vulnerable and motivated me to open up and completely share everything that was on my mind here. This was a process that took place over several text messages and is not simply the matter of sending one message to get someone to open up.
Can you start to see how the entire tone of the conversation can encourage your ex to open up and share more with you than a single text message can?
This is a clear example of Context vs. Content (Trouble Shooting Video). In this text, Adam has created the context for me to be vulnerable. How might you be able to create the context for your ex to be vulnerable with you?
7. He Asked a Direct Question
A simple direct question can be a great conversation fueler.
This required Adam to put more effort in his response to my question. Also notice how throughout the entire interaction up to this point, Adam’s use of the Advanced Relational Skills changed my attitude. From not wanting to text with him to taking an interest in his experience and ask a question of him, I became fully engaged in this interaction.
If your ex is not fully engaged when you are texting or talking in person, do you think having a series of interactions similar to what Adam and I were having up to this point might get your ex to want to engage with you and become curious with you and your experiences?
Again this level of emotional connection isn’t something you can do with just one text, this will have to happen over an entire conversation (Context vs. Content).
In #9: Practicing Empathy and Expressing My Concern
Key note: Empathy requires a lot of Awareness. Don’t confuse Empathy with Sympathy or Compassion.
I put myself in Adam’s shoes (empathy) and imagined how I would be emotionally holding up if I went through something similar to Adam’s experience. I expressed my concern in a subtle way by gently reminding him to take care of him.
If you and your ex are in contact and you’re at the Wall of Reactance Stage, expressing your concern for their wellbeing is likely to increase their reactance level because a positive rapport has not been built yet. This type of reactance is similar to the reactance one may have by a parent’s excessive display of concern.
In #2: He Related and Rewarded Me
Adam was able to relate to my response and he rewarded me for my vulnerability (please check out the Communication video lessons on Relate and Reward).
He also opened up when I reciprocated my own curiosity about him.
As you’re interacting with your ex, be on the lookout for things that you can relate or reward them with. Remember in order to have the best impact, relate and rewards must come from a genuine place and can’t just be things that come out of nowhere (like “you’re hot”, “I love you” or “I miss you”).
Relating and rewarding must be connected to something your ex is putting out there and the effort they are exerting on their part. (This will get them to continue exerting effort and vulnerability with you.)
In #4: With the Help of Awareness and Empathy, He Used Curiosity
Adam practiced awareness, curiosity and empathy about my lack of enthusiasm for being a guest on the Jenny McCarthy show. I felt relieved that he was able to sense something was off because it felt good to be “seen and heard” by someone when I was going through a stressful period.
My capacity for opening up to him increased when he asked that specific question. This is the power to being able to tap into the emotional dynamics at play. If Adam had just simply said “oh cool”, that would have been a connection killer because he would have ignored my signs of anxiety abut being interviewed by Jenny.
Adam was able to sense this (present moment awareness) and also show empathy towards me (emotional acceptance) which helped to create a better connection.
Can you imagine the connection you and your ex could have if you were able to tap into the emotional currents at play (the way Adam did with me) and have empathy towards your ex? Do you think talking to your ex would be easier?
Do you think connecting with them be easier? Do you think they are more likely to eventually want to get back together with you if you practiced empathy and awareness with them?
In #6: He Used Curiosity to Open Me Up and Relate to My Experiences
There are two things happening here.
(1) Like discussed in the communication module, Adam realized that “meh“ is not an emotion.
(2) From there he became curious to what the actual emotion I was experiencing. This curiosity allowed him to develop and access greater levels of empathy and ask questions to discover what my genuine emotional experience was.
Has your ex ever described their feelings to you in a way that wasn’t actually describing a feeling? Do you think that being curious of their actual experience might get them to open up and share with you, allowing you to deepen the interaction through relate and reward cycles? What if something as simple as this was all you need to get a great conversation going with your ex?
In #8: The Level of Investment Increased Dramatically
Notice the level of investment in this conversation has increased dramatically because Adam was able to develop rapport and take the conversation to an emotional level. We have reached this point where we are able to share and express more “meaty” emotional subject with one another.
This kind of dialogue would not work if he opened up the text conversation with this type of big share.
The reason for that is because of over investing too soon. This is why we recommend you calibrate where your ex is at (Awareness) and then deepen the interaction to the emotional level where you can have this kind of deep dialogue.
This will make the whole texting more natural and organic rather than forced and awkward.
In #10: Creating Boundaries and Ending on a Positive Note
Notice how we continued to have a strong connection and rapport even as I was enforcing a personal boundary that I needed to leave and do other things and cannot continue to this text conversation any longer.
One big problem many people have is they let the conversation go indefinitely.
When this happen, it leads to resentment when the other person inevitably has to go and do something and you feel slighted that you were left hanging and they didn’t text you back.
The conversation will eventually run out of steam and hit a low point, causing the both of you to end at a point when the connection and rapport is less and leaving the conversation ending in a place that does not feel as positive (as in positive emotional interactions.)
How Would This Change Your Level of Connection In All Of Your Interactions?
This sample text conversation highlights how the Advanced Relational Skills can be applied to a difficult communication channel such as text messaging.
However if you practice the skills outlined in the Ex Solution Program (like Adam did) do you think it would change the quality of the text convos you are able to have with your ex?
HOMEWORK: Look back some of your previous A convos with your ex. After reviewing the course materials inside the Ex Solution Program (on present moment awareness, emotional acceptance composure and advanced communications) do you see any missed opportunities with your ex?
Can you pinpoint areas where the connection started to go awry? How do your conversations compare to the text conversation with Adam above?
If you’re noticing a striking difference, this could be a sign you could have some more work to do in practicing the Advance Relational Skills. The best way you can practice these skills is to watch the videos and then to do the exercises highlighted inside each module.
Our most successful members are the ones who have done the exercises and taken the time to cultivate and improve their ability to connect with their ex by learning the Advanced Relational Skills.
Texting can be complicated without the ability to hear someone’s voice or see their facial expression, it’s easy to misinterpret and miscommunicate.
However with a solid ground of the Advanced Relational Skills you can overcome these barriers the way Adam did when it came to connecting with someone who did not have the emotional capacity to connect with them.
NOTE: Every person, like your ex has their own preferred communication style. Some people prefer to communicate face to face in person. Others prefer on the phone and some even prefer to text message. Keep in mind your ex may not be a “texting person” and if that’s the case, texting may not be the right medium for you to contact them (just like speaking english to someone who is only fluent in Japanese is probably not the best way to communicate with them either.)
If you are still having a difficult time communicating with your ex via text message it might be time to try a different approach, like maybe calling them or sending them an email or even trying to get a face to face encounter with them.
Remember that the medium itself is not important.
It is the QUALITY of the connection that is achieved.
Whether you are connecting with your ex, via text or in person, or over the phone or smoke signals, you should always focus on the quality of the connection. The relational skills covered in this program can help you do that if you take the time to do them and apply them in your social interactions.
Additional Lessons to Elevate Your Advanced Relational Skills
Modern Love Monthly Lessons a supplemental materials to help boost your Advanced Relational Skills to the next level. Whether you’re trying to get your ex back, dating or focusing on your relationship with yourself, these lessons will help you get accelerated results.
Have a Burning Questions? Ask the Modern Love Association
We know that you’re hurting and at times, you may feel hopeless. The Modern Love Association is a place for you to get your questions answered, talk about the advanced relational skills with other members and share your struggles and successes. Contact us if you want to join the Modern Love Association below.